Again today I heard Baby's techno-drum beating little heart. I was going in to just get my blood taken, and shared with my midwife the recent loss of my cousin... I'm not sure that she offered to have a listen to the baby because she was thinking it'd be nice for me to have the experience, or if its her standard thing to do (my real appointment to see her is in another 2 weeks and we'll listen to Baby then for sure). No matter the reason, I was taken aback by how comforting it was for me to hear Baby and know that she/he is doing well. Since I can't feel any kicks yet, its up to the Doppler and my weight gain to know that everything is o.k. Hearing the quick beating heart of the Baby was so nice... everything is looking good, and that's just nice to know.
As I process my grief, I've been more worried about the baby and about my husband and other family members... I just don't want to lose anyone, ever... sometimes death is a part of life, and its hard to wrap my heart around it. Even trusting in God and really leaning on Him, I find the unknown and loss to be a bit frightening, I love the people in my life... and am so thankful for God's abundant blessing of amazing quality friends surrounding me... writing this out helps me see that I need to be extra thankful during this time of mourning, and this, I think is the very best way to process the loss of a cousin I am truly thankful for. Thankfulness for friends, family, and a tiny beating heart, will help my heart to enjoy what's before me... grieve the loss of missed opportunities/connections, and focus on intently loving as I go along.
As we listened to the quick beats,lulling my anxious spirit, my midwife offhandedly said my baby 'has a happy heart'... I hope this was insight beyond her own knowing, that God has blessed the heart of the little spirit within me to beat a happy, joyful tune to His ear, and mine... for today anyway, Baby's happy heart has made mine one too.
