To Bonnie and Babe

I wrote this tribute to a fallen sheep, and somehow found myself crying...

Rest well sheep, rest well.
Sorry to never have met you
I heard you were really great
I wish to have fed and pet you
We'll mourn your tragic fate
So, rest well sheep, rest well
Jump over fences
to lull us to sleep
and we'll ponder and love you
our resting sheep

Blue

Ok, this book is awesome. Miller writes those things I could never quite articulate.
I'm afraid to share this book with people. This book resonates deeply, and I know that others who resonate with it, will somehow 'get it', will 'get me'. Its nice to be understood. But, it makes me sad that many won't like this book and hate some of its concepts.
I'm tempted to make this book my friend filter... "hey... want to go to the movies and head over to my house for pizza and Mario?" "well, maybe... depends... what do you think about the book Blue Like Jazz?" "LOVED IT!" "Great, I'm in"
Somehow, I just don't think that'll fly.
I'm sure Miller & Jesus didn't intend for the book to be my new friend filter, so, I'll settle for letting its truths sink deeply within me, and connecting with other readers who appreciate it too.
If you've read this, you'll know what I'm talking about, if not, go read it. I'm open to discuss anything that struck you in the book... leave a comment. If you hated the book, just don't let me know.
Don't worry friends, I'm not as fickle as all that, I'll still like you if we disagree. I'll even still love you, truly love you.

Those Swedes and Their Sayings...

Swedish Proverb: God gives every bird his worm, but he does not throw it into the nest.

I just ran accross that the other day, and oddly enough, I ran into again when searching for Swedish sayings... good food for thought. Thanks for providing for me all the time God, even when I'm not always looking in the right places, or for that matter, the right things. :)

interesting...

I just got to thinking... most all my immediate family members are currently sheep looking for a flock... looking for the other sheep who know the call of their common shepherd. Are we too picky? Are we hurting? Are we being taken out? Or are we waiting to hear which way the call is coming from so we can run to the shepherd?
I hope we are waiting, ears turned to heaven... and hope soon we all find ourselves surround by other sheep with which to actively wait...

As I was just about to post the above comment, a song came on and started to play the sounds of the shofar. This always is so stirring and I haven't heard one for a while... its so nice to know that God is leading us, and He is our good shepherd.

august poem

run on

run forward to the sights & senses
before you
run to the
One
who has called you by name.
who knows you &
beckons you
to impossible places.

to the places unavailable
if not for His call.
past barriers of
obstacles, closing in
give them not a second glance-
you are led by the
Mover of all things

the Mover & Maker of hearts
of dreams
& the Drive to run
to run for His heart
to run on.

an illusive, forgotten dream

that vague sense of
disconcerting familiarity...
this has happenened before.

a glimpse of last night's stroll
through universes unknown

that feeling that connects me to
the same emotion,
a thread, a link.
a recent sense

like a fog lifting,
the illusion is gone & I am
left with today, right now...
wondering when enough pieces
will combine
& reveal yesternight's fantasy.

today I went dreaming

I dream of inventing,
of creating, of painting.

I dream of listening so well
I never have to wonder if

I dream of family and kids,
and sleepless nights

and joy as they grow and find out
who they are in Him, in love

I dream of fishing, and surfing,
and hiking, and skating,

of tea parties, and friends,
of being known, of knowing

I dream of growing old
alongside my best friend

I dream of miracles, and freedom
of authority and excitement, of joy

I dream my dreams,
I dream some of His...

a new kind of happy

So, here's the blog you've all been waiting for...

Imagine with me if you will: It's a hot july afternoon, to keep cool, I keep hydradrated... wondering around the zoo/park/mall/school/airport/fill-in-the-blank, I just finish off a venti starbucks ice water, and a frapucino... not long afterward, I find myself in need to empty myself of the aforementioned liquids, again.

I go into the "lady's room" and find myself a nice stall... I open the door and look at the toilet before me... I smile, I almost laugh out loud with pleasure... its just a good old fashioned toilet.

I lay down the appropriate protective barrier sheets, 2 to be safe, and do my emptying... upon finishing up, I flush, leave the stall, wash my hands, carefully as to avoid undue contamination of the hands when leaving, and thats the end of it...

This blissful, 'normal' routine is a dying breed of public restroom experiences...

Now imagine with me, another scenario, I'll pick up where I walk into the "lady's room": I find myself a nice stall... I open the door and look at the toilet before me... I cringe, I almost cry out in horror... its one of the new automatic toilets.

I lay down the appropriate barrier sheets, 2 to be safe, turn around to sit, and "flush!" there goes all my work!!! sometimes this may repeat....
oftentimes, while sitting down, the toilet decides my 2 seconds are up and "flush!" there it goes, with me on it! I stand up to avoid the inevitable spray, but its too late of course... I wonder if some sick designer intended to put a 2 second toilet time limit before flushing... hmm...

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the shocking, preemptive, spray inducing, startling automatic flush.

Stand with me friends... stand with me for a world where we flush our own toilets... a world without fear of germ infested public urine spray... a world where our children can grow up in safety... never worrying about peeing thier pants because they they have to lay down another toilet seat cover because the first was flushed by the automatic toilet monster....

ahh, what a world that would be... times like these I long for the past... and I mourn that when I see an old-fashioned flush toilet, that it puts a smile on my face, and a joy in my heart. There are better things to find bliss in than a toilet.

sweet lovin'

1. 

We just got back from the grunion run!!! SO fun! First time Daru has seen grunions... doing their "thing". Got down to the water at about 1am and stayed for about 45 min... Cleaned up the beach a bit, wondered by a few sleeping stragglers and fire pits, and then, just as we were headed back from the attempt to see the grunions, there they were! Shiny flopping fish propagating the species! So exciting!!! I don't know why seeing beached fish is so enthralling, but enjoying it together-what a blast. Nice moon out, full set of stars, no one there but us (and few sleepers), about 65 degrees, the dark moonlit waves crashing- trying to grab our toes, and the grunions.

Ode to the Grunion
Shiny fish how
you flip and
flop
Swim on dear
fish
never stop

Well, that's about as good as it gets at 2am, sorry folks...

a conundrum

I just have to share... somehow I found this, its a bit creepy, but I find it more hilarious given that's it 1:48 am. Will the mystery ever be solved? Will I be able to sleep without wondering??? (Somehow I think I'll sleep fine.)

growing up

So, over memorial day weekend I was with my brother, let's call him O', and GG , and we got to talking about being grown-ups. The general discussion was "do you feel like a grown-up?" "Not very often, but sometimes when... (various answers), I feel like it" "yeah, I don't feel grown up very often" and it continued on for a good 10 or 15 minutes. I thought it a fun and facinating topic. Do I feel like a grown up? How silly! It seems so child-like to think about it and all its amazing possibilities... what makes me feel like a kid? When do I feel 'grown-up'?

But the wierd thing is, just about 4 days later, I was with my friend Eva, and she brought up the same topic! Could it be fate? Could God be asking me to evaluate my emotional age? :) Or could it be something more simple... like coincidence? So, we did do some fun adult things together like an art walk, and going to a bar... how grown-up of us!

There are so many things I do daily that make me feel young and child-like. Things I never grew out of I guess... but then there are other things that I just stopped doing, and thats o.k.
too. It just got me thinking... maybe I'll make a list or post about my adventures in this topic....

To start out...

today, I got back in touch with my 4 year old self and tried to fly... :) I jumped off a rock, arms out.... just in case it worked this time.

Baby McNugget

shhh... right now I'm sitting here at my mudda's house holding my nephew... so cute, so sleepy, so waiting for mom to return! Its so amazing to see a little baby look so right, he fits so perfectly... he's got the same little features that go in my family... so precious!

the blessing

So, this is what I'm thinking... something I've been meditating on and somehow it makes sense. I think God wants it to go deep, so, I'll keep on doing more studying and therefore, perhaps updating this!

I've been reading in Genesis about Isaac, and his sons Jacob and Esau. So, Jacob and Esau, are living life, and Esau being the manly man hunter that he is comes home starving. Jacob had just finished making some amazing food, so, Esau in his desperation to ease his discomfort agrees to the cunning Jacob to give him his birthright in exchange for some food. Seems pretty lazy, but I know what I would give for some chocolate or Jamba now and again, so, I won't judge.

Time passes, we now find Isaac nearing the time of his death. He tells Esau to prepare a meal to have with him after his hunt and he will pass on his blessing. The sneaky Jacob once again (with the help of his mom), impersonates Esau, and brings Isaac the food (its meat, but somehow I think of it as hot delicious soup...)in order to recieve Esau's blessing. Isaac falls for the trickery, because his sight isn't so great, and blesses Jacob with Esau's blessing. He says:

27:28 May God give you the dew of the sky and the richness of the earth, and plenty of grain and new wine. 27:29 May peoples serve you and nations bow down to you. You will be lord over your brothers, and the sons of your mother will bow down to you. May those who curse you be cursed, and those who bless you be blessed.”

When Esau returns and approaches Isaac, he finds out what happens and begs his dad for the blessing too. Instead, Isaac says he only had one blessing to give and instead seems to curse Esau whom is rightly upset, he later wants to kill Jacob.

Esau's 'blessing' goes like this:

He took away my birthright, and now, look, he has taken away my blessing!” Then he asked, “Have you not kept back a blessing for me?” 27:37 Isaac replied to Esau, “Look! I have made him lord over you. I have made all his relatives his servants and provided him with grain and new wine. What is left that I can do for you, my son?” 27:38 Esau said to his father, “Do you have only that one blessing, my father? Bless me too!” Then Esau wept loudly.

27:39 So his father Isaac said to him, Indeed, your home will be away from the richness of the earth, and away from the dew of the sky above. 27:40 You will live by your sword but you will serve your brother. When you grow restless, you will tear off his yoke from your neck.”

So, I got to thinking about blessings, and blessings from fathers. Why is it that Isaac had only one blessing to give? Why couldn't he bless Esau to the same degree? That little twerp, how could he get away with it? And later Isaac helps him even more and send him in the right direction for finding a wife and fleeing Esau's wrath.

But, then I realized that Jesus, as God's own son, and firstborn, has all of God's blessing. He has the blessing. All of it. wow. that's gotta be a BIG blessing. More than I could ever dream of. Good things, properity, abundance, life, authority, imagination, family.... so many things. And what's more is, as the Holy Spirit comes and lives within those who recieve Him, we also have Jesus living within us. We have the blessing too. cool. So much more blessing than we can imagine. Not just any blessing, the blessing of a father to his firstborn son, the blessing of inheritance.

I want to let that soak in. I already know it sometimes, but then sometimes it seems to fade to the background and then God shows me something that reminds me again of his fatherly tender love, and all that he lavishes on me... and seeing it through the OT stories is a fun way to be reminded.

living

sitting here
nothing, everything
happening

leaning in
actively waiting
engaging

sitting back
laughing, enjoying
being

is that it?

So, as the Westminster Confession points out, the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

Is that it? I was talking the other day to daru and it became clear to me that I don't live entirely in that freedom... I love to glorify God, and I love to enjoy Him. I'm a fairly joyful person, yet despite my natural propensity to enjoy life and God, and my intentiality of glorifying Him, I place ALOT of pressure on myself. I feel as though I've just always been called to be "change in His pocket", and that deep knowledge has translated into a great desire to always be ready, waiting for the slightest whisper or sound of the breeze, hearing God in the softest of voices, and responding. On the surface, and most often in practicality, this has worked out well. I've grown accustomed to listening, attempting to respond at times, and really looking at my life through better lenses than I would have otherwise been wearing.

But... what about the ease and light burden of simply (and sometimes, not so simply) glorifying God, and enjoying Him forever.

I think I gotta work on this. Let go a little bit on the intensity of being ready, and maybe trusting that God knows how to get my attention. Or, maybe being aware and feeling that pressure, is glorifying God. Maybe He wants me to share His burden and heart for others continually, even when its heavy... maybe I need to pray about it and let Him let me know.

Still working on it... how do you have a light and easy burden, glorify God, enjoy Him, and still strive for, I don't know... perpetual preparedness?

I'm a sheep

OK, this is going back a ways, but I wanted to start here. Back in July, 2001, I was at homegroup and I had a vision during worship.

In a lightly wooded forest on a path, I was a small a sheep, but also a person. In front of me was Jesus on the path. Three times he beckoned me to follow. Then I looked to my left and saw another Jesus and a big field opened up behind him. It was a nice open field and light, but I felt unsettled. I heard God tell me it was a false Jesus. I then looked back to Jesus in front of me who wanted me to follow him down the path we were on. I tried to look down the path, straining to see the end to see if it was truly dark and bad at the end too, but I couldn't see the end of the path to know...

I then heard Jesus say "you are my sheep and my sheep know my voice. It's good to be concerned about being decieved, but don't worry, because you are my sheep and you know my voice."

At the time I felt He was saying if I stopped and thought about it, I could tell if it was Him or not. Since then, I've had many times seeing Jesus before me beckoning me onward... about a year and a half ago, I couldn't step forward and didn't know why. I felt so scared to trust. Since moving back home to CA, God has be restoring me, dusting me off, and helping me onward.

When I first got here last January, an uncle of mine was praying for me and had a vision of a bird in cage, with this finger sitting there trying to get the bird to come out. I was that bird, skittish, beaten... but also in that picture he saw that the bird would come out again and fly like it used to. I am that bird, stretching my wings, remembering what its like to soar.

Actually, now that I think about it, a couple of years ago one friend of mine saw me as a bird in a nest, and she said it was time to fly. A little while later another woman at church was praying for me and said lots of birds fly and beat there wings working to stay in the air in the direction they want to go. But I was different, a bird that would glide and then an updraft would take me higher and I would just go with the air currents. Well, I'm not always sure what direction the wind is blowing, but I do feel that I'm out of that darn cage.

But most of all, I know I'm His sheep, and I hear His voice. He told me that once, and I've oftentimes had to remind myself! When I get nervous and scared sometimes to step out of my comfort zone and risk, especially with communicating with people... I often have to remind myself that I'm His sheep and I hear His voice.